Food Fight: Combat Rising Costs
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Shawn McKee
Staff Writer
I check my stash. It’s low. I need to re-up. Eggs, milk, butter and bread -- that’s all I need, but it’s not that simple when you’re dealing with the shopping cartel. They want you to buy more, spend more and use more of their products than the last time. In short, they want you addicted to shopping.
As I walk into the compound, I feel their eyes on me: “How much will he spend? Does he know about our two-for-one deal on aisle 5?” I can hear them whispering. That’s when the most industrious of product pushers approaches me.
She looks like my grandma -- sweet and unassuming -- a slight woman who looked as if a strong breeze might sweep her away. “Would you like a sample, sir?”
Ha! I bet she’d like that, but I know that’s how dealers get you hooked. The first time’s free; then, I’m stopping by every day to get my honey-bun fix, spending hundreds a month on the sugary snack. So after I have a few samples I add honey buns to my cart.
I’m so high on sugar I don’t even notice the price of these sweet snacks. I am a weak man -- and an impulse purchaser. The cartel knows this, they prey on it, but that’s not the only ploy in their grocery bag of tricks.
They know they’ve got a captive audience, after all, who among us does not eat? And they’re not just targeting adults. They want to get your kids hooked, too. So, to expose these unscrupulous grocers and free sample fat cats, I risk everything and go undercover.
I’ve got a man on the inside, a supermarket snitch, but if it got out that he helped me, he’d be knocked back down to bag boy before he could say, “Paper or plastic?” He said he would speak with me on the terms that I kept his true identity out of the article.
I contact Mexico Mike -- as I call him -- and I ask him when I should come by? He speaks in a thick Honduran accent, “Sunday afternoon, if you can handle it.”
Two days to prepare -- I feel like Donnie Brasco.
The day arrives, my palms are sweaty and I barely slept the night before, but it’s too late to turn back now. I glue on a thick fake mustache, a la Magnum PI, and head out to meet my informant.
As I enter, I feel the cameras on me, I smell the freshly baking bread and I see the brightly colored “Sale!” signs. I am instantly hungry. I’ve entered Thunder-dome, my stomach knots, my palms start to sweat, I don’t see Mike anywhere, but I do find a great deal on cereal, six boxes for $10.
Then, I remember what Mike told me: “The smell from the bakery makes you hungry; never go to the grocery store on an empty stomach. You’ll buy way more than you bargained for.”
I start loading boxes of Crunch Berries into my cart. Out of the corner of my eye I see Mike approaching, he’s shaking his head.
“What are you doing? You don’t even eat cereal.” He’s right, what’s going on here? Why am I buying six boxes of something I wouldn’t normally buy one box of?
Mike explains that hungry people tend to shop more impulsively, so the bakery smell is all part of the plan to empty your wallet and fill your cart. Studies have proven this to be true.
Impulsive, who me?
“Surveys find that about 40 percent of what we actually buy (in the supermarket) are impulse items, products that were not on our list,” says Phil Lempert, a supermarket industry expert, apparently not afraid of the cartel.
Mike explains why bargain-shoppers (and who isn’t?) are easy targets for these cereal slingers, “Two-for-one deals are great if you were going to buy that product anyway, but if you’re buying in bulk something you weren’t going to buy, how are you saving any money?”
I hope this is rhetorical, but he just stares. Mike’s been hardened by the shopping cartel, he sees right through me. I fear what he knows, but we press on.
He goes on to explain that cereal is one of the cartel’s top earners. For most parents it’s a staple, so what some slick supermarkets do is put candy on the same aisle so when parents are shopping for sugar swirls or marshmallow-sugary-yum-yums, the kids are scoping the candy -- diabolical.
Plus, notice the location of the cereals on the shelves he points out. Expensive cereals at eye-level, kids’ cereal at a child’s eye level and the cheaper store brands pushed to the very bottom of the shelf. They don’t want you to know about this inexpensive alternative and grab the first thing you see.
Knowing the cartel is infiltrating the minds of our children shoots a chill down my spine. “Leave the kids at home, they shouldn’t have to see this until they’re older,” Mike warns. The cereal aisle is not the only place this occurs, he continues.
“Clean up, aisle 12,” blasts over the intercom. They must be onto us, I think.
Mike speaks into his earpiece and shakes his head.
“We’ve got a problem I have to take care of, stick to the perimeter of the store. Stay out of the aisles; they’re too dangerous for an impulse shopper. I’ll be back in a minute,” and he disappears. Here I go again on my own.
Staying on the perimeter is fine for a while, I get milk, eggs and find a deal on yogurt. Things are going swimmingly, then, the urge to splurge hits again when I see a display at the end of aisle five. SpaghettiOs, 10 cans for $10, I can’t pass this up. I start loading my cart. Out of nowhere Mike slaps a can of SpaghettiOs out of my hand.
“Control yourself man. This is not a deal. These items are usually a dollar. They just put them here on the ‘end-cap’ (end of the aisle display) to make these items more visible and try to pull you into the aisles. It’s usually an overstocked item that the store needs to sell more of, not a super deal.”
That’s when our cover’s blown. Two men walk up and Mike pretends to check expiration dates on milk. I can see the label guns they conceal behind their aprons. A roll of ammo, red sale stickers, hangs from one’s pocket.
“Can we help you, sir?” I’ve heard this before and I know what comes next. I quickly avert my eyes and start to walk away.
“No thanks, just trying to spend as much money as possible,” I reply. They smile menacingly and whisper something to Mike. The sweat returns, I’m reeling from the encounter and hypnotized by the soft music. Mike is gone.
I decide to leave before I disappear as well. Waiting in the check out line I add a pack of gum, a lint roller and a magazine to my cart. Then, I notice a piece of paper in my cart. It’s from Mike, I make sure the coast is clear and slip it into my pocket.
Once I get outside with my $76.92 worth of groceries, I take the piece of paper from my pocket and open it up.
Helpful advice
Here are a few more tips to keep your cart lean and your wallet fat:
Staples like milk, meat and eggs are on the perimeter to pull you through the aisles where you’ll impulsively buy junk food on a whim. Take a lap around the outside first.
Just because something looks like a good deal doesn’t mean it is. There’s a trend toward putting less product in the packages and charging the same price. Check the cost per unit on the price display, this way you can compare how much each brand charges per oz, gram or pound. Now you can really compare prices.
Buy generic if you can. A lot of these products are made in the same factories as their name brand cousins, but you don’t have to pay for advertising costs.
Make a list and stick to it.
If I ever see Mike again, I’ll thank him for making me a savvy, informed consumer. One cashier told me that now Mike, “works with the fishes.” I hope that means he’s in the seafood department.
Shawn McKee graduated from the University of Oklahoma with a BA in Journalism and has written for The Broward and Miami New Times. He’s now in the shopper relocation program.
I thought I had seen it all! Great way to keep interest and give information. Keep up the creativity!
One of the funniest things I've read in a while and full of great information!
10 Best Booty Songs -- Ever!
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Shawn McKee
Staff Writer
Whether you call it a caboose, can, bum, bottom, butt, booty,
buns, bum cakes, buttocks, rump, fanny, arse, ass, humps, lumps, tail or badonkadonk -- that bodacious body part that turns heads and rules the dance floor is the inspiration for a trunk-load of songs rejoicing in the rear-end. It’s time for the 10 best (and a few of the absolute worst) songs celebrating the beauty of the booty.
10. Pitbull’s “Culo,” is an infectious Miami melody that celebrates all those bouncin’ booties way down south. It mixes a Spanish chorus with English verse to unify cultures in their appreciation of curvaceous culos. Me gusta.
9. “Shake Ya Ass,” by Mystikal is a dance-inducing jam in which Mystikal uses his raspy voice and quick delivery to get you to, well, shake your ass.
8. K.C. and the Sunshine Band released "(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty," and that’s exactly what people did. While it probably wasn’t terribly difficult to pen this poetry (the word “shake” accounts for about half of the total lyrics), it did pave the way for a genre of music about shakin’ rump.
7. Wreckx-N-Effect really only had one hit, "Rump Shaker," but in the summer of 1992, you couldn’t turn on the radio without hearing “zoom-a-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom.” Also, this is where super producer Pharrell Williams (Neptunes, N.E.R.D.) got his start making people shake their rumps (he also produced “Shake Ya Ass” and a slew of other hits). The birth of a booty balladeer.
6. The 69 Boys’ hit, "Daisy Dukes," paid homage to the tiny jean shorts popularized by none other than Daisy Duke. If you didn’t already know to “look at them girls with the daisy dukes on,” you did after hearing the song. A heartfelt song where a man confesses his truest feelings: “I love the girls with the big ol' booties.”
5. “Big Bottom,” is the funniest song on this list. Spinal Tap, known for their loud speakers and wild live show, crafted this masterful piece of bum-bliss. With lines like, “My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo” skillfully rhymed with “pink torpedo,” it’s hard not to acknowledge the genius of this group. Unlike the previous songs on this list, which simply relay the artists’ affinity for the derrière, this is a love song: “I love her each weekday, each velvety cheekday.” Beautiful.
4. "Big Ole Butt" is a cautionary tale of what can happen when one is consumed with the big butts of others. Ladies Love Cool James and LL Cool J loves big ole butts. "Big Ole Butt" laid the groundwork for the future of booty jams. But be wary the power of the posterior, as Mr. Cool J puts it, “I know I told you I'd be true, but Tina got a big ole butt -- so I'm leavin' you.” Powerful stuff.
3. The song “Bootylicious” will forever live on in the annals of music, but when Destiny’s Child released this song they didn’t think it would enter into America’s vernacular (check out dictionary.com). Beyonce came up with this word to celebrate the curvy, voluptuous figure of many women. It’s empowering, and when she exclaims “I don't think you're ready for this jelly… 'cause my body's too bootylicious for ya, babe,” you have to wonder, are you ready for that jelly?
2. The numbers don’t lie: Most songs about butts are by rappers. “Fat Bottomed Girls,” on the other hand, is by the classic rock group Queen, which was fronted by one of the most flamboyant lead singers of all time. That being said, it’s a fist-pumpin’, head noddin’, ass-lovin anthem. Freddy Mercury belts this one out over wicked guitar riffs and booming drums that will have you singing, “Fat-bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go 'round,” for days after stumbling across this rump requiem.
1. “I like big butts and I cannot lie” -- this is how “Baby Got Back,” by Sir Mix-A-Lot, the quintessential booty ballad begins. This song not only extols the virtues of round rumps, but also expresses Mix-A-Lot’s disdain for “beanpole dames in the magazines.” This one is all about celebrating the booty -- and Mix likes them large -- erecting giant butts to use in his video, it was “booteerific.” So heed the advice of Mr. Mix and “turn around, stick it out -- even white boys got to shout, baby got back!” Truer words were never spoken.
The Bottom of the Barrell
If you’re going to write a jam about jelly, don’t make an ass of yourself (like these buttheads).
If you ever saw MC Hammer’s "Pumps and a Bump" video, I’m sorry. No one wanted to see Hammer in a Speedo, and this was never more evident than when MTV removed the video from its regular rotation. The song itself? It was “wiggity, wiggity wack.”
“You make my pee-pee go doing, doing, doing.” Are these the ramblings of a 7-year-old who just found his penis and his dad's Playboy collection? No, sadly, it’s “Ass Like That,” by Eminem. He tries really hard to be funny, but just ends up being completely idiotic.
K-Fed’s “PopoZao” is simply the worst song ever made. Apparently, it’s a tribute to the big booties in Brazil. So in the interest of international diplomacy, America apologizes for Kevin Federline’s stupid song. Sorry, Brazil.
Did we miss your favorite booty tune? Let us know down below!
Shawn McKee graduated from the University of Oklahoma with a BA in Journalism and has written for The Broward and Miami New Times. He loves booty.
Beach-Ready Abs: Men Only
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Joe Klemczewski, Ph.D.
eDiets Contributor
Yes, men only. Not something you hear too often in an industry that targets women as its primary demographic, but men do have some unique metabolic and sometimes societal differences that are often missed in the weight-loss conversation. And I know women are reading this just to see what the guys are being told -- maybe some secrets -- but, seriously, go away. This is like a Budweiser commercial -- guys only.Guys, you’re busy, your boss doesn’t care what your physique goals are, you don’t like to cook – you don’t know how to cook – your kids want to play when you get home from work, and you only get five hours of sleep. How in the world can you get rid of the love handles and actually feel good about taking your tee shirt off at the beach? We all have reasons that make it tough, but at the end of the day you just have to want it bad enough to make some necessary changes.
One thing you’ve got going for you is sheer metabolic power. With lean body mass and testosterone being higher than women, we can lose body fat at a pretty good pace. It’s not unusual for male clients to get in a good diet routine where they’re losing three to four pounds a week consistently, but there are some steps that will make that easier. Let’s talk about male-specific tactics that can make all the difference.
The first is that in very general terms, we tend to like more rote structure. A client who is a banker sat down at his initial consultation with me and I waxed eloquently for 45 minutes about the need for flexibility, education and learning to not restrict yourself to even a self-imposed narrow food list. He proceeded to completely ignore me and went into his own world with paper and pencil. He began copying meal suggestions from sample days that I was going over and created a “perfect” day to fit the actual macronutrient ranges I was prescribing for him. I banged my head against my desk, he left, he lost 80 pounds and he’s kept if off to this day.
Our common ground was met in that he did learn to add variety when he needed, but he had to have that beginning structure – an actual diet plan – to follow. Women would see through that and call us lazy for us needing to be told what to do, but we’ll just pretend it’s an innate neurological male hard wiring thing. Point one: with a goal to lose a lot of poundage in a period of time, you will find it easiest if you get some meals together that you like and can formulate a good day as a pattern.
The second course of action is to make sure your day includes enough protein. Ketogenic diets were created for men – what better marketing niche than to say you can eat all the steak you want and still lose weight? Don’t take it that far, but if you can get protein in at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and maybe a snack or two (protein shakes help), you will have less hunger and you’ll find you can lower calories easier. My male clients that make it a point to move protein up to the levels I suggest (and it’s not too much or unhealthy by any means; just higher than most of us eat consistently) always lose faster.
Cardio. Yes, I said it. I know there’s nothing more boring and there’s no glory in it like squatting and bench pressing, but if you want to see pounds melt away, make cardio as routine as brushing your teeth. You’ve read all the reasons why: it’s not just calorie expenditure at the moment, but it’s increased VO2 max, increased calorie burning for about 90-minutes afterward, it’s better stroke volume for your heart – it can just about double your results. It also sends a great behavioral message to yourself: “If I’m spending the time to do this, I’m not going to mess it up with that bag of chips on the couch!”
The cardio admonition goes without saying that you should already be doing some resistance training. Grunt…scratch… “Hooha!”
Hopefully all the women have left this article by now because I have to go a little soft on this one point. You have to have a way of tracking your food and results to be consistent. Accountants and engineers aside, most guys don’t want to waste time calculating, measuring, and tracking food. When I see a male client filling out food logs, I know he’s going to lose weight and he’s going to keep it off.
Why?
You can’t help but learn about your body and about nutrition and food if you’re doing some analytical work. You can’t scratch your head and wonder why you didn’t lose this week if you have eight beers and a bag of pork rinds on paper staring back at you. Remember, we’re talking hardcore results and taking advantage of the metabolic power endowed by the gene pool. If it makes you feel better, get a food journal and spray paint a camo design on the cover.
Lastly, don’t worry about losing muscle. This thought may not even occur to some guys reading this, but trust me when I say that on the way down to a body fat level where you’ll see your abs, you’re going to feel too thin. Every man wants to be 225 pounds with abs and it ain't gonna happen. When you’re leaner you’re going to look bigger if you have any muscle at all, but you have to choose – be a little thicker/bulkier in your shirt that hides the roll around your middle or have a head-turning physique at the beach and look, dare I say, kind of normal in clothes. So, get busy – it’s almost summer!!
Joe Klemczewski, PhD, maintains a unique online consulting practice helping people around the world reach their physique and health goals. His popular website and forum http://www.thedietdoc.com/ is a great database of information.
This is my first post
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